Parenting Finally Adds Up.
Hello. My name is Paul. My wife and I were foster parents over a seven-year period and are currently adoptive parents of amazing twin boys. We cared for 13 children in those seven years and we finally adopted our sons in 2018. During that time, we took all of the state-mandated parenting courses, read copious amounts of books, attended all the workshops and seminars we could find, networked with other foster parents and stayed up on the latest parenting methods. Our goal all along was to provide the children in our care with "A Vibrant Life."
In the Summer of 2020, my twin boys (seven at the time) and I were packing for a 4-day father-sons camping trip in the beautiful Central Oregon wilderness. We were going to a campground with campsites on either side of a creek and a picturesque waterfall not far downstream. This was going to be the trip where I would prove to my wife that I am not the "helicopter" and "drill-sergeant" dad and that I could loosen up and allow my kids to be kids.
In the Summer of 2020, my twin boys (seven at the time) and I were packing for a 4-day father-sons camping trip in the beautiful Central Oregon wilderness. We were going to a campground with campsites on either side of a creek and a picturesque waterfall not far downstream. This was going to be the trip where I would prove to my wife that I am not the "helicopter" and "drill-sergeant" dad and that I could loosen up and allow my kids to be kids.
McKay Crossing Campground, Central Oregon
Once we arrived to the campgrounds, however, I was tested to the core. That cute little waterfall was much bigger and scarier than any of the website photos I saw, and it was much closer to our campsite than I expected. Our campsite was directly adjacent to the top of that waterfall, less than a stones-throw away.
The first thing I did was to take my boys to the waterfall and explain the serious situation. We saw how far down the drop was. We saw the narrow pathway next to the raging water. Then we saw a framed photo nailed to a tree where a 20-something navy sailor apparently fell to his death. Let's just say that I had good reason to worry. Sergeant and helicopter daddies had to come out in this moment to assert safe boundaries. I informed my boys that they were not to go near the waterfall unless daddy was with them. They promised they would stay away.
The first thing I did was to take my boys to the waterfall and explain the serious situation. We saw how far down the drop was. We saw the narrow pathway next to the raging water. Then we saw a framed photo nailed to a tree where a 20-something navy sailor apparently fell to his death. Let's just say that I had good reason to worry. Sergeant and helicopter daddies had to come out in this moment to assert safe boundaries. I informed my boys that they were not to go near the waterfall unless daddy was with them. They promised they would stay away.
The McKay Crossing waterfall
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Memorial Display
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I really did want to loosen up during this trip. Now that the scary waterfall was dealt with, I showed my boys all the wonderful areas that were safe to play. Cool dad was back in action. I showed them an outcropping of rocks to climb on, fallen trees to balance on and an incredible creek to play in all day long. But what did I remind them of at the end of the tour? Yes, the waterfall. Again I reminded them, "You are not to go to the waterfall without daddy, do you understand?" They replied, "Yes, Daddy. We won't go to the waterfall. We promise!"
At that moment, my sons saw a bunch of older boys playing in the safe part of the creek and they asked me if they could go and play with them. "Okay!," said the cool dad. Go have fun, and stay safe. "Remember not to go to the waterfall." I watched from our campsite as they met new friends and started playing in the creek. Every so often I would look over to the creek to check on them.
But it didn't take long! After about 20 minutes, the group of boys were no longer playing in the creek. They had suddenly disappeared, along with my boys. I immediately dropped everything and headed to the top of the waterfall. Soon, I heard carefree boys laughing and playing over in the direction of the waterfall. That's where I witnessed the group of older boys walking to the waterfall with my starry-eyed twins following right behind.
This is when I lost it. Being extremely scared for their well-being, frustrated that they didn't listen to me, and mad at myself for not watching them more carefully, I shouted out their names to get their attention. Did they hear me? No! Of course not. I shouted their names again to no avail. It was at that point that I initiated that age-old, yet highly ineffective "Count To Three" parenting method. I counted to three and nothing happened, of course. My boys were completely oblivious to me and my rapidly-diminishing parenting skills.
So I took action! I immediately took hold of their hands just before they got to the waterfall and walked them back to our campsite. They acknowledged they didn't listen and said they wouldn't do it again. Still, the cool dad was trying to settle down inside, and I chose not to say anything before I thought things through. Once we got back to our campsite, my mind was focused on what I was going to do next, but I had no idea what to do. I was very upset at myself, and as we walked into our campsite I tripped and stumbled on a tree root sticking up out of the ground. Of course this made me even more agitated, but I calmed myself down and had the boys sit down with me in silence. I told them I needed time to think through their consequences for disobeying Daddy's direct orders.
With a blank mind, a throbbing pain in my big right toe and completely frustrated, I exhaled every last breath out of my lungs. In the next moment, I inhaled new air and suddenly a new idea suddenly instantly popped into my mind. I could have credited my epiphany to my decade-long parent training. But I couldn't. I don't take any credit at all. This came to me too quickly. I had to praise what happened next to God. This really had nothing to do with me. Not only did I know what I was going to do in that particular moment, under these particular circumstances, I knew what I would do for the rest of may parenting career.
This is what I said to my sons: "Boys, from now on I will never count to three to get you to listen to your daddy. I am going to count past three until you listen. For every second you're not listening to daddy, I get 1 minute of personal time." This principle literally just popped into my head in an instance and I had total confidence in it.
At that moment, my sons saw a bunch of older boys playing in the safe part of the creek and they asked me if they could go and play with them. "Okay!," said the cool dad. Go have fun, and stay safe. "Remember not to go to the waterfall." I watched from our campsite as they met new friends and started playing in the creek. Every so often I would look over to the creek to check on them.
But it didn't take long! After about 20 minutes, the group of boys were no longer playing in the creek. They had suddenly disappeared, along with my boys. I immediately dropped everything and headed to the top of the waterfall. Soon, I heard carefree boys laughing and playing over in the direction of the waterfall. That's where I witnessed the group of older boys walking to the waterfall with my starry-eyed twins following right behind.
This is when I lost it. Being extremely scared for their well-being, frustrated that they didn't listen to me, and mad at myself for not watching them more carefully, I shouted out their names to get their attention. Did they hear me? No! Of course not. I shouted their names again to no avail. It was at that point that I initiated that age-old, yet highly ineffective "Count To Three" parenting method. I counted to three and nothing happened, of course. My boys were completely oblivious to me and my rapidly-diminishing parenting skills.
So I took action! I immediately took hold of their hands just before they got to the waterfall and walked them back to our campsite. They acknowledged they didn't listen and said they wouldn't do it again. Still, the cool dad was trying to settle down inside, and I chose not to say anything before I thought things through. Once we got back to our campsite, my mind was focused on what I was going to do next, but I had no idea what to do. I was very upset at myself, and as we walked into our campsite I tripped and stumbled on a tree root sticking up out of the ground. Of course this made me even more agitated, but I calmed myself down and had the boys sit down with me in silence. I told them I needed time to think through their consequences for disobeying Daddy's direct orders.
With a blank mind, a throbbing pain in my big right toe and completely frustrated, I exhaled every last breath out of my lungs. In the next moment, I inhaled new air and suddenly a new idea suddenly instantly popped into my mind. I could have credited my epiphany to my decade-long parent training. But I couldn't. I don't take any credit at all. This came to me too quickly. I had to praise what happened next to God. This really had nothing to do with me. Not only did I know what I was going to do in that particular moment, under these particular circumstances, I knew what I would do for the rest of may parenting career.
This is what I said to my sons: "Boys, from now on I will never count to three to get you to listen to your daddy. I am going to count past three until you listen. For every second you're not listening to daddy, I get 1 minute of personal time." This principle literally just popped into my head in an instance and I had total confidence in it.
I continued: "Because you took up two minutes of my time tracking you down from a place you knew you weren't supposed to go, I am going to claim two hours of time for myself. And I'm going to claim it now."
Of course they immediately began to cry. We had just arrived at a new campground 30 minutes prior to this incident. They had just met some new cool older boys. And now there was going to be consequences? Yes, there had to be consequences. This was literally too grave of a situation for me not to take action.
I then took a walking stick that I had found and drew this huge line in the dirt around our campsite and further explained to my boys: "For the next two hours you can do anything you want within this boundary, but you cannot interrupt my time, or I will add more minutes." And their crying got louder. Of course I felt bad, but I knew I could not back down. I knew that natural consequences needed to be implemented immediately.
Now, I did sympathize with them at that moment, so I offered warm hugs if they wanted them. Thankfully, they ran over to me, each sitting on one of my legs and burying their heads into my arms. I didn't say anything to them, but just gently stroked their heads and patted their backs as they cried. I let the consequences do the work, and I was the good dad who comforted them in their sorrow. After about 10 minutes, they calmed down and no longer needed my hugs. They slowly got down and walked somberly around our campsite.
At that point, I calmly and quietly moved my camping chair into the shade of a tree with a view of the creek. I retrieved my water bottle, my iPad and Apple Pencil and began to sketch the landscape with the creek. It didn't take long for them to realize that I was doing what I said I was going to do, so they began to play within our campsite. After a short while they were chasing chipmunks, collecting firewood, digging holes in the dirt, and other wonderful outdoorsy things.
After some time, they interrupted my free time to ask when they could go back and play with the older boys. That's when I replied, "Oh, gosh! You are taking more seconds away from daddy. I explained to them: "Every time you interrupt Daddy's time, I get another minute." They were immediately quiet and went back to playing. Throughout the 2 hours, they did interrupt me a total of 10 times, so my total restoration time was 2 hours and 10 minutes.
When my two hours and ten minutes were done (and I took every last second of that time for myself) I informed my boys that they could go and play. I reminded them of the natural consequences that awaited them if they were to go to the waterfall without me.
Of course they immediately began to cry. We had just arrived at a new campground 30 minutes prior to this incident. They had just met some new cool older boys. And now there was going to be consequences? Yes, there had to be consequences. This was literally too grave of a situation for me not to take action.
I then took a walking stick that I had found and drew this huge line in the dirt around our campsite and further explained to my boys: "For the next two hours you can do anything you want within this boundary, but you cannot interrupt my time, or I will add more minutes." And their crying got louder. Of course I felt bad, but I knew I could not back down. I knew that natural consequences needed to be implemented immediately.
Now, I did sympathize with them at that moment, so I offered warm hugs if they wanted them. Thankfully, they ran over to me, each sitting on one of my legs and burying their heads into my arms. I didn't say anything to them, but just gently stroked their heads and patted their backs as they cried. I let the consequences do the work, and I was the good dad who comforted them in their sorrow. After about 10 minutes, they calmed down and no longer needed my hugs. They slowly got down and walked somberly around our campsite.
At that point, I calmly and quietly moved my camping chair into the shade of a tree with a view of the creek. I retrieved my water bottle, my iPad and Apple Pencil and began to sketch the landscape with the creek. It didn't take long for them to realize that I was doing what I said I was going to do, so they began to play within our campsite. After a short while they were chasing chipmunks, collecting firewood, digging holes in the dirt, and other wonderful outdoorsy things.
After some time, they interrupted my free time to ask when they could go back and play with the older boys. That's when I replied, "Oh, gosh! You are taking more seconds away from daddy. I explained to them: "Every time you interrupt Daddy's time, I get another minute." They were immediately quiet and went back to playing. Throughout the 2 hours, they did interrupt me a total of 10 times, so my total restoration time was 2 hours and 10 minutes.
When my two hours and ten minutes were done (and I took every last second of that time for myself) I informed my boys that they could go and play. I reminded them of the natural consequences that awaited them if they were to go to the waterfall without me.
Father-Sons Camping Trip 2020
Guess what happened for the remaining three days at the campground. They not only stayed away from the waterfall, but they didn't give me any more time for the rest of the trip! Can you believe it? I expected to get a lot more time over the remaining days, but I was thankfully wrong. In fact, the idea of me getting minutes from my boys actually became a fun and competitive game. I begged them, "Please give Daddy more minutes!" They replied, "No way, Daddy!!" and proceeded to giggle and taunt me.
As a result, we had the best camping trip ever. They listened to me and respected my boundaries. I was a lot less stressed. I had energy to do more with them. They met so many new friends, we went on long hikes, played in the creek, slid down natural rock water slides.
We all had a blast because we had a mutual respect for each others boundaries. When we got home, the boys share everything we did with Mommy. And I shared this new one-to-one principle with her as well. We've been using this 1-1 principle ever since, and I plan on using it until they fly out of our nest.
Please also visit The 1-1 Parenting Principle and The 1-1 Benefits pages for more information.
As a result, we had the best camping trip ever. They listened to me and respected my boundaries. I was a lot less stressed. I had energy to do more with them. They met so many new friends, we went on long hikes, played in the creek, slid down natural rock water slides.
We all had a blast because we had a mutual respect for each others boundaries. When we got home, the boys share everything we did with Mommy. And I shared this new one-to-one principle with her as well. We've been using this 1-1 principle ever since, and I plan on using it until they fly out of our nest.
Please also visit The 1-1 Parenting Principle and The 1-1 Benefits pages for more information.
